Poetry enjoys taking itself seriously.

Huh. Why not?

I don't ever want to read another piece of writing that is not my own again. And somehow, I feel like I can make that sound a degree or two less incredibly self-absorbed. And I'm sure the scant amount of people that actually check this stuff out might be able to understand that. I hate feeling like I've been molded by all the literature, all the recent mezcla that's tapped into my subconscious, and everyone I talk to or read from on a daily basis. It's so strange that the way we piece together our words, the way we "shape ourselves" stylistically is based around our favorite parts of the world outside of our intellect. And in a way, it's all very much contained within our own intellect - I guess we just perceive it that way. As if it was really our own.

I've been doing mildly rebellious things lately. And when I look at the things, they're really silly from the Joe perspective. It's just this fun little secretive thing I've been doing to entertain myself in one light. Mostly.

But you know I don't really want to make a list of them here, and the fact that I don't want to tell people about all these silly things just proves that I've been brainwashed into thinking I have to be a stick to honor my God. That's just it. I've been trying so hard to free myself of all nonsense, and trying to stick to the Bible more and more, and stick to the Holy Spirit like glue. Inside I know I crave the Word, and I crave the freedom to be with God on my own and not holding the hand of the church on my left, and the hand of my past experiences on my right. When I say church - don't get me wrong, I'm not referring to the real deal, Christ's GF or anything, just you know..the people. As much as it's so necessary to have relationships with the people, we shouldn't paste the words of our peers into an extended version of the Bible.

Communion Cups

Thank you God.

For the ocean.

Thank you God.

For the family.

Thank you God.

For the vehicle.

Thank you God.

For the ability to forgive.

Thank you God.

For helping me learn how to forget.

When I was a kid, about 8, before my mother got remarried, I was convinced the only reason my stepfather was placed on the earth was to make me jealous about sharing my mother. I figured it would be over after a certain amount of time, and it would be my mom and I again -- happy.

When I was a kid, about 8, and I can't stop thinking about this, my mom's boyfriend got mad at me for not wanting to bring my jack-0-lantern inside to the trash. It was rotting, but I was upset because he wanted to get rid of my work of art. I went outside, pouting and disappointed, and the door was locked when I tried to get back in. I knocked for a long time. No answer. I started to get scared - really scared. I was crying, and scared, and I was panicking.

I'm not sure if I was scared because I had no way of getting back inside on my own, because I was 8 and I never thought I'd have the problem of getting inside my own house, or because I felt like my mom and I would never be as close to each other again. I felt like my life was being intruded upon. It couldn't be natural - whatever was happening to my eight-year-old self. I mean, thinking about it, nobody - no adult, had ever acted maliciously towards me until that very moment. I still don't understand what makes people mean enough to do hateful things like that to people they love. But they're still doing it. I wonder what they think about. I wonder how they feel about it.

Thank you God.

For giving me a mom that unlocked that door, and for giving me a mom that wants to protect me from every evil.